Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize