...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize