Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
