if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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