I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
