I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
