Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
