No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Randomize
