I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
