and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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