Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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