when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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