i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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