Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
