lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
