Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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