Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
