So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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