if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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