imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
