I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
