i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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