if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
