I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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