explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
is it fun? or sober?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
