Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
