Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
