Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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