Soap is not a condiment
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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