Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
