What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
