Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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