the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Randomize
