Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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