I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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