is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize