i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
