my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize