Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
