someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
