I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize