Joe is yelling at the trees again.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
