1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
