Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize