I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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