twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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