im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
