Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
