The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
