I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
