So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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