The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
