Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
