Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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