does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
