Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
