I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
