better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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