Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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