proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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