A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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