I showed him my bush... on skype.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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