laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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