true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i believe in u and ur pee
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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