I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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