are you still at the devil's house?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
